Loss

I'm still trying to process through all of my emotions about Eli right now.  I was telling a friend yesterday that I'm processing the loss of what I expected life would look like.  I'm not dwelling in self-pity, there have been too many sweet blessings for that.  But sometimes it all just stinks!  My heart aches when I see pictures of a little boy's birthday part.  A little boy with whom Eli would likely be buddies with if not for autism.

It stings, when I watch other kids play around Eli and I feel like he wants to join them, but the obstacles are many.

My stomach gets a little knot when Eli tells strangers in the store some nonsensical phrase.  Or when he growls at kids on the playground.

It hurts to deal with the meltdowns over any one of a thousand things that might throw him out of sync on any given day.

Blah.  It just sucks sometimes.

But I need to climb out of this pit now.  So I will choose today to focus on how sweet it is to hear him sing "Jesus Loves Me".  And the moments he asks me to come sit on his bed while he plays quietly with his dinosaurs, knowing that he really is trying to invite me into his world.  And I will cherish the moments that he lets me wrap him up and cuddle with him while he watches a cartoon.

I just love him so much and I want other people to see him the way I do.