In between

I'm not sure when parenting became so overwhelming. I'm guessing it happened somewhere between: three children in four years, this little thing called autism, two rambunctious boys in a small house in the winter, or maybe the complete lack of wisdom when it comes to disciplining, or maybe the lack of sleep that I've mentioned once or two hundred times before. I'm not exactly sure, but I know this season is a lot to handle. I find myself deep breathing through a lot of my day just to stay calm.

People love to say things like "God never gives you more than you can handle." To which I like to scream "that's a bunch of bull mullarky!" Yes we have the example of Job in the Bible that was specifically tested and was asked to handle more and more, because God told Satan that Job was strong in his faith. But I think to say that Job was just strong is incomplete. Job had incredible faith in His God. He was tested. He was depressed when he lost it all, but he never turned his back on God, which was the ultimate test of Satan. In the New Testament we see verses like "His power is made perfect in weakness" and "when I am weak then He is strong". I'm only as strong as my dependence on His strength. Lately that doesn't seem very strong. It's a struggle, minute by painstaking minute, to lay down my own frustrations in favor of loving my kids the way that Jesus would love them if he were here in the flesh.  He's not, but His Spirit is living inside of me and it is my ultimate responsibility and goal to show my kids a small glimpse of how much Jesus loves them. 

In this tough season of parenting, that has become my prayer, that I will love them the way He would. I've been trying to make it a habit during the irrational autistic meltdowns to pray "Jesus, help me to love Eli like you would right now." It is helping me to take a deep breath and not let my frustration control me or the situation. 

It's exhausting. 

And I feel like I'm failing at that most of the day. So my new prayer will add that I will feel/accept Jesus' love for me. It comes without condition, without reservation, despite my shortcomings, and in my darkest moments. 

There is no way to fully comprehend that depth of love, but just speaking that truth over my own heart sure does help.