Then it hit me.
I'm not ready. I'm not at all ready for the reality of another baby right now. (Please don't read into this that I'm not insanely grateful for this blessing, because I truly am.) I guess I'm panicking.
I'm definitely ready to meet the little guy. Dying to see what he looks like, especially since Eva and Eli could not look more different. Can't wait for those sweet little newborn coos, grunts, and gurgles. If only I could hang out in that reality for a while. But the truth is I'm focusing way too much on the real reality, which is I have a 15 month old who is very attached to his mommy and is not likely going to handle sharing me very well. He doesn't even like it when Eva gets in my lap! ;) Any of you have suggestions on helping a little one adjust to a new baby?? I would seriously love to hear them. I also have a 4 yr old who is needing a lot of "training" right now. She and I are just going through a rough patch.
I am also not at all mentally prepared for the birthing part! I have endured one C-section and one regular childbirth and neither option sounds like something I want to do right now. I have read books/blogs, prayed, visualized. Nothing has helped yet. I don't want to do it. I don't want to give birth. And clearly that is a problem! Because ready or not, he's coming out one way or another in just a few more weeks. I didn't experience this fear with the other two, I was fired up and ready to do it! Can I just pray for a painless birth???
What's a very pregnant girl to do?!? This is not a rhetorical question people. I need serious help!
Maybe today I can implement the Field of Dreams approach of "If you build it, he will come." I might pull out our infant clothes and sort through what will work right now and what won't.
Clearly I have entered the last-month-emotionally-unstable phase of my pregnancy. Being mentally and physically exhausted isn't helping. Maybe I can lock myself in my room this afternoon and cry for a while and then sleep for a while. Think that would solve anything?!? I'll let you know. :)
Sorry for all the complaining. I'll write something happy tomorrow.
7 comments:
You know what, I will start praying that you will just have a peace about everything. Have you shown Eli any pictures of him as a baby??? Maybe if he sees lots of pictures and you tell him he's going to get to have a baby at the house soon, he'll be excited :) Plus, maybe looking at all the sweet baby pictures will help you remember that they are that little for just a moment....
#1 Happy Birthday, sweet, sweet friend! I love you and hope you have a wonderful day! (all child-birthing/child-rearing fears aside)
#2 You are in uncharted waters here. I don't know what it's like to bring home baby #3 (and never will). So I will do the only thing I know I can do for you and that is pray. I will pray for peace and patience, and like Jill said, I'll pray for you to remember that it won't be like this for long. I know you can do this!
#3 Can we get a belly picture please?
Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. -Isaiah 41:10
God is giving you this little boy, and he will work out the details...just do what you can when you can. Your children will adjust because YOU love them. That's all they need to know. Change of any kind is hard and it will be chaotic to say the least, but Mommy guilt only holds you back (and I believe that's Satan trying to work you over). I love you guys, and will be praying for peace of mind and rest...just breath his name.
Happy Birthday!
Sweet Haley,
It is all going to be ok. I promise! I have definitely been there in all regards to how you are feeling...being panicked...NOT wanting to give birth. I am praying for you to have some peace and to have a great birthday.
One thing that has helped our kids adjust is for me NOT to be holding the newest addition when the others came into the room to meet them. David wasn't even holding Karissa. We just quickly slipped her into the bassinet so our arms were ready to hug the two oldest. We did not have much trouble with jealousy at all and we think this helped. I will message you my phone number on fb. Please feel free to call and vent or pick my brain. I would be honored!
Love you and praise God for you! hp
You have prayed for us all week - now, it's my turn to pray for you. I saw Isaiah 41:10 on one of the comments. It was given to me this week over and over. I repeated the words, and maybe didn't feel them, but I knew they were truth! And - they are! God is holding onto you!!!
He carries us through the scariest waters - and change is "scary water". God didn't give you this new baby by accident - He is so in control! I love you - Mimi K
honestly, you know how your mother (or my mother anyway) used to always say that you can choose to be happy or you can choose to not be happy. for me, this has been true even in pregnancy/getting ready to birth. i had to choose to get all ready and 'renew my mind' with filling it with birth stories and videos and prayer and Bible stuff. i felt the same way a few weeks before cass was born and i HAD to just pour over the birth stories and videos and blogs and all the information i could get my hands on. you're not abnormal. :) you'll be fine...if you choose to get ready. um, even if you don't want to. hahaha...i know you will. not like you have a choice in what you have to do and i know you will choose to 'be happy' in it.
as far as the kids being excited about the baby, we never ever had an issue with that (ours were 13 months, 19 months, and 17 months apart) and what we did was just involve them in everything. i'm not saying that's *the* answer and you won't have any problems if you do that. just saying it's our experience. and i'm sure you've done that, but if you haven't really, you can dose them up really good in the next few weeks. hahaha. but, we just talked about it constantly...they were constantly kissing my belly and 'taking care' of the baby in my belly and helping with the preparations, etc. we seriously never ever had not one hint of jealousy. they always just helped and wanted to take care of baby. hoping the same thing for you. i know that God will take care of it all and you will be fine. but i loved this post...it is truly how we all feel at one point or another. :)
Haley,
I wish I would have seen this when you wrote it because it is like you took the words out of my mouth. I felt so bad when people would say "are you so excited?" and secretly I was thinking NO! I am terrified of having a baby when I have a baby at home. And pushing a baby out was not on the top of my list of things to do this year! I don't have 3, but God was so good and by the time he came I was ready and by the time he came home Maggie was ready. I know God prepared her because she has so much love for Oscar and welcomed him with open arms. Someone mentioned not holding the baby when the older kids are there and I would agree with that. I let Michael hold Oscar if Maggie wants to be held and she sits next to me while I nurse. She also helps a lot. I am praying for you and Ryan and the kiddos. I know you are more excited about his arrival now, but I know there will be some level of anxiety until he gets here. I am so excited for your sweet family and I can't wait for you to tell how smooth everything went.
Joy
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